Well, what pretty day!
 
Human sits on cabin stoop, favorite papers sits on legs. Human luh-huh-hoooves these papers. Just sits an’ stares at papers, all day. Me sits in tall grasses, smell pretty flowers. Try eats flowers, me did, once — looks so pretty, smells so pretty, me wants to taste — but no sees bee on flower. Accident! Bee stings me tongue! Oo-wee! An’ me swallows! Poor bee, just wants to smell flowers! Never eats flowers again, me says.
 
Me thinks of poor bee, when strange occurrence!
 
Beyond grasses, wild boar emerges from forest! Looks like me, she does! Thin fur, though. An’ skinny. Maybe her human forgets to feed.
 
She sits at edge of forest. Looks at Human; it distracted. Me trots through grasses to wild boar. Never-oh-never did me see another wild boar!
 
“Who you? Where from?” Me hopes she understands me!
 
“Who am I? I beg your pardon, but who are you?,” she snorts,  “I’ve never seen another boaress outside of our tribe!”
 
Funny sound. “Tribe?”
 
“Oh, dear, you really are…” she wiggles snout at me, must smell something funny, “unrefined, aren’t you. Well, I come from the Tribe of Brown-Bellied Boaresses, led by Grandmother Althea the Strong. We migrated from the south and have been living in this forest for two moons. We await the local eligibles, as the Great Season is nearly upon us, but the men have yet to find us. Godforsaken flowers must be masking our scent. Have any proper men passed through?”
 
Me shakes head. No understands most sounds of strange wild boar — eh, boaress — but not want to sound — er, unrefined, cos me wild boaress too, really! She tosses head over shoulder.
 
“Well, then. I know we are of...different kin, but perhaps you’d be interested in joining my tribe? It does seem awfully lonely here, and you should know that humans are not to be trusted,” she snarls at Human.
 
“A-ha! No, Human good! Human friend. Me can’t go off to Boaresses, this home,” me waves hoof at flowers, at cabin, at bees. She swats tail, says suit yourself, an’ trots back to forest. Me trots back to Human, eat time, oh-ho!
 
Human an’ me, we sits on cushy seat in cabin. More papers on Human legs. Human hoof on me head, oh-ho, me likes the scritchy-scratch right there. Always knows where scritchy-scratches, Human does. Me looks at Human: soft fur, only on head, little on face, but no on ears; little snout, big eyes; lo-ho-hooong, skinny body, like worm, but lo-ho-hooong legs! And smells strange. Only smell me knows since me remembers.
 
Me thinks of Brown-Bellied Boaress. Different smell. Smell like me.
 
Human looks at me, now; me thinks it knows me sad, cos it stops scritchy-scrathes. Maybe it understands —
 
“Me likes Human, Human me home, but Boaresses — Boaresses like me,” me hopes Human understands. But Human just makes sing-song sounds, trots away on hind-legs. Trots back soon, me bowl in its hooves. Oh-ho, Human thinks me hungry! Ah, Human, so gentle an’ kind an’ strange. Human never understands, but me never mad at Human.
 
Still sad but me eats crinchy-crunchy carrots.
 


Oh-ho, rainy day! Tall grasses wishy-wet. Human stays inside; Human never likes rainy day. But me? Me luh-huh-hooooves! Me slides through mud! O-ho, me cries with glee! Me slides at forest-edge.
 
Many muds in eyes, me no sees the wild boar trots near — ah-ha, me smells wild boar.
 
Smells like horror, like death. Me snorts loud, try to gets smells out of snout! Shakes mud off me face, looks at wild boar — not Brown-Bellied Boaress, no-ho. Big, smelly boar! Big boar ugly, ugly, ugly with rocky skin, bumpy an’ rough, all cuts an’ blood! What strange! What scary! What smeh-he-helly! Big boar eyes shines at me. He runs, hooves stomp stomp stomp, mud sprays behind. Swollen sack between hind-legs swings — me never sees! Me worries! Spins an’ looks for Human but Human in cabin — too late to runs back — what do, what do, what do — an’ he stops, three hooves away. Breathes hard. Big boar snout open, shows teeth — an’ two lo-ho-hong, scary, pointy teeth, outside snout!
 
“Well, well, well,” big boar grunts, “what do we have here? Little boaress, so far away from the tribe? Were you waiting for me?” Big boar grins, all teeth, so ugly. Big boar kicks hind-legs, an’ me sees sack swings.
 
Me backs away slow. “Me sorry, me sorry...eh-he, big boar seeks Brown-Bellied Boaresses? Boaresses in forest, me lives here with just Human, no Boaresses here.”
 
Big boar no likes me sound. Throws head back, an’ bellows. Bellows! So loud, me sticks ears in mud. Birdies flies out trees in forest.
 
“Oh, are you one of those pets, the kind they feed and slaughter for meat,” he spits on me snout. Me frozen. “You stupid creature, you’re nothing but a pathetic pig! How dare you wear our skin and allow a human to tame you,” he bellows. Kicks mud at me. Me try to scoots away but mud oh-so-slippery, me slides an’ falls —
 
So fast — big boar shoves snout in between me hind-legs, he sniffs an’ blows smelly breath. Spits in me face: blood an’ mud drippy-drops down me snout.
 
“Pathetic. You even smell like a farmed pig. I don’t even want to fuck you.”
 
Me trembles in mud. Me hopes he leaves, never ever comes back.
 
He stares me, eyes shines. “There is a wolfpack moving into the forest from the east. The Boaress tribe will migrate out, and we’ll follow them. Once the wolves are here, they’ll find you…and we can’t have the wolves seeing such a weak, pathetic excuse for a boar and assuming that all boars are like you, or else they’ll be trouble for us,” he swishes tail as he thinks, “you better join the tribe. Ah, but if you join the tribe, your human might come searching for you…”
 
Me no moves from mud — oh-so-scared. 
 
“Alright, you pig. Either you eat your human and join the tribe —” me gasps! “— or my  brethren and I will kill you both. You best decide quickly: I’ll return with my brothers at sun-down.” He bellows an’ charges off through trees.
 
Wicked, wicked big boar! Me rolls on back an’ wails. Me stands ground an’ fights, then boars outnumber. Human an’ me die. But me eats Human an’ joins tribe, how lives with self? Human gives food! Human gives scritchy-scratches! Me curls up next to Human every night! Human, me tribe. What horrible mess!
 
Day leaves. Night almost here. Me finally in cabin, watches Human play naked in water. Such gentle creature, Human. Gentler than bees. Me no eats Human, me thinks. Human, me — we solves problem, an’ no eats necessary. Me snorts with conviction.
 
“Human, trouble comes,” me says. Human turns an’ shows teeth, gives scritchy-scratches.
 
Sundown. Me looks out window, squints at forest. Ah-ha, oh no, boars comes! Me sees many shiny eyes cuts through tall grasses. Me hears hooves. Me runs at Human.
 
“Human, Human! Trouble comes now! Needs go, we do, needs go fast,” me rams head into skinny Human legs. Me waves snout at window.
 
Human trots, peers out window, an’ — oh-ho! Human sees big, smelly, scary boars! Human understands, an’ grips head hairs with hooves. Me runs to back door — ah-ha! Human no follows! Human goes in small room! Why in small room, Human? Needs go! Human comes out with long, shiny, silvery tube — Human, no beats big, smelly, scary boars with tube! Human runs to door an’ points long tube at boars. Boars runs! Fast! Me yells at Human, begs Human, but Human just stands an’ points, looks through end of tube. Oh-ho, Human an’ me, we dies today, cos Human too gentle an’ dumb an’ no understands me an’ —
 
Sudden bang!
 
Tube explodes, big spark, smoke everywhere! Me sees big, red spurt from Human’s face — Human slaps hooves over eye an’ falls to ground — big thud!
 
Human long, skinny body wiggles, an’ squeals oh-so loud, an’ me smells death — ah-ha, sticky-icky hot blood gushes from eye, all over Human hooves! Me panics, no knows what do! Me runs to clearing, sees boars so close, sees cuts an’ blood on skins, sees sacks between hind-legs swings.
 
“Ah-ha, big boars, stop! Human so hurts! Needs help, no fight!” me shouts an’ begs an’ pleads but boars keeps comin’ so me turns an’ sprints back to Human, ah-ha, poor gentle Human, still cries an’ screams, an’ me runs fast to Human, an’ me knows Human no sees me cos eye bleeds, but Human hears me comin’, oh-ho, yes, Human, me comes for you, me saves you, an’ Human an’ me escapes, me promises, an’ finds new home where Human reads papers all day an’ me smells new flowers, Human rolls across ground, cos Human hears me hooves, oh-ho, me so close — ah-ha, Human, why tube again, what do, why points tube again, Human hurts again, ee-hee, Human, wait, me almost there, me almost — bang.